I Don't Wanna

There were two times in my life where I knew I needed to do something but I really, really didn't want to do it.  But in the end it ended up being the best things to happen in my life.

The first time it was to have a 4th child.  After Melia was born I WAS DONE!  Nothing could convince me that I was going to have another baby.  I was for sure that I had hit my limit.  I did a pretty good job of convincing myself of this for about a year and a half.  And then they came...those little twinges of longing, longing to be pregnant again to hold and feed a newborn, to have one of my own.  I would quickly dismiss these feelings and tell myself that all women feel this way, even though they don't really want another baby.  They started coming more frequently and stronger.  Still I told myself it wasn't what I really wanted.  Then I had an experience that I couldn't deny what was supposed to happen.  I was reading my cousin, Brittany's blog.  She just had an adorable baby boy named Max and put up a picture of him.  I still remember the picture vividly.  He was lying down on the floor in a room filled with sunlight wearing a plain white onsie.  His blue eyes were looking directly into the camera and as I stared into his eyes I heard a distinct voice say to me, "You are not done.  There is another waiting for you,".  I immediately burst into tears.  I knew that I was going to have another baby.  After that, how could I deny it any longer?  So Brittany if you're reading this then it's all your fault and thank you ;)  Many of you know what happened after that; incompetent cervix, bed rest, broken water, hospital bed rest, baby Isabella born at 27 weeks weighing only 1 lb 15 oz, 70 day stay in the NICU, lot of tears, fear, joy, and happiness.  I wouldn't trade it for anything the world.

The second time was my divorce.  I don't believe that many people get married with the intentions of getting a divorce later.  I for sure wasn't one of them, I was in it for the long haul.  I knew it was going to be difficult because it's marriage and because of our many differences but I was committed to make it work.  I worked really hard.  Sometimes I tried harder than others and was I a perfect wife? No, definitely not.  There were things I could have done better or differently but for the most part I tried, not wanting to give up.  But there came a point where I looked around and I knew it had to happen.  It's not what I really wanted.  Sure, there was a part of me that wanted it just like I wanted another baby but not really, really.  Not yet at least.  It's difficult for me to know what to share about my marriage so you can understand but I don't want to share too much.  Some things aren't meant for public knowledge.  I still love Daniel, like I would a dear friend so I want to respect him.  All things aside, he's a good person but Daniel has his demons like we all do and most stem from traumatic events in his childhood and the effect of those he's carried into his relationships in adulthood.  There were things that were happening that were out of my control.  All I could control was my reaction to them.  I compromised and put myself into the corner a lot.  I took a lot of hits (don't freak out, not physically).  My wake up call was thinking that I didn't want my daughters to have a husband like him and I didn't want my son to be a husband like him. We did NOT have a marriage that I wanted my children to emulate in any way.  And there was that a voice again.  This time it said, "Well, if you think that and don't want that for your children then what does Heavenly Father think about you?  What does He want for you,".  This set off a series of thoughts and actions where our marriage ended after 9 1/2 years.


I know I left a lot of gaps between my realization that divorce needed to happen to the papers actually being signed but I plan to touch on those areas through out the writings of this new blog.  So if you made it this far then welcome!  I thought it would be fun to write about this new chapter in my life.  It's kind of a big transition to go from being a stay-at-home mom and wife of 9 years to a 30-something, single working mom.  A lot has changed since I was last single.  Two words: social media.  Come join me on my ride so you can cry and laugh along with me and watch me love life come what may!

P.S. I wanted to use the word journey instead of ride but doesn't that seem a little too much The Bachelor-ish?