A little while after discovering my developing feelings for Wesley we stopped seeing each other as much. Not because we didn't want to see each other but just because we were both dating other people and our schedules didn't always match up. About the same time that I got serious with Matt he got back together with his on-again-off-again girlfriend. We continued to talk once in a while but no longer hung out.
It's funny because we both got together with someone at the same time and then we both broke up with those people at the same time. After months of not seeing each other I was so happy and excited when I finally saw him again. I had missed him...a lot. We kind of just picked things up where we left off. We tried to keep it casual but it was increasingly getting harder for me to spend time with him knowing that it was never going to be anything more. And then one day I just had enough.
I was trying to make plans with him one weekend and he was busy. It had been awhile since we had seen each other and I was feeling bummed because he wasn't available. He could tell my mood wasn't the greatest and he was trying to smooth things over and he said something like, "Sorry I can't hang out but you are definitely a good time,". I immediately thought, but I don't want to be just a good time anymore. I want to be something more than a good time for someone. Our relationship hadn't changed but I did. I no longer wanted to just have fun and keep things casual. I wanted an actual relationship with someone, and I knew he wasn't going to give that to me. I knew that I couldn't see him anymore. And this made me sad, very sad. Wesley had become a good friend to me and someone I had a fun, easy time with but I deserved more.
We made plans to see each other one more time before calling it quits. I still wanted to talk to him and keep in touch and know what was going on in his life and vice versa but no longer would we be seeing each other. He didn't quite believe it and take me serious, that I really wasn't going to be coming around anymore. He thought that eventually I would. After our goodbye he would occasionally try to entice me to come and see him. Send me flirtatious texts and cute pictures of him but I stood my ground! And so did he! I found out he reeeaally likes it when a girl plays hard to get. Haha! The more I shut him down, the more he tried.
I will have to admit that he did end up wearing me down. One day he asked me to come see him Sunday morning and then go to church with him to the mid-singles ward. He had a rough time in the dating field that week and had turned to me for support. And he doesn't go to church that often so I thought that it would be my good deed to help him go by me going with him. Oh, the justifications...gotta love it. I thought, "I can just be friends with him. It'll be fine,". It was soooo good to see him but I wasn't going to admit that to him. Haha! After church he text me and told me how nice it was to see me and spend time with me and that he wanted to go to church with me again. I wanted to too, I really did..
So this past Sunday we kind of repeated what we did the previous time. He worked the night shift and got home really early that morning. I went over a couple hours after he got home and woke him up and we talked and cuddled. After he fell back to sleep and I was staring at his handsome, peaceful face I knew. I knew again what I had known before. We can't just be friends. It's not going to work. I wanted so badly for it to work. I miss Wesley when I don't see him and I didn't want to stop seeing him. But yet I still knew that it wasn't the best thing for us. I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up he was next to me and the first thing he said was, "I don't think I can have you over anymore. It's just not going to work,". Normally something like that would have hurt me but where I came to the same conclusion only a little time before, I understood. I told him that I had been having the same thoughts.
I made us french toast with fresh berries for breakfast. Normally, he's the one who did the cooking so it was nice to repay him and cook for him this time. We went to church and that was it. We said goodbye and went our separate ways. He text me on my way home and thanked me for breakfast and told me I was a sweet girl and knew I'd find a great guy. I also may have shed a tear or two on my way home. We still care about each other and want to keep in touch and see where the other ends up in life and if we both continue to go to the mid-singles ward then we'll cross paths there too. So it's not goodbye forever but at the same time that's exactly how it feels.
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